Perseverance in the pain

I am writing from one of the most vulnerable, raw states of being I’ve been in recently. About an hour ago, our foster child left our home. We took this kiddo only for the night on an emergency basis. But when we say yes to a child, no matter the length of time, that precious one is stitched into the fabric of our hearts.

Right now, I am a mess. Nothing about this situation seems fair or justified or right…nothing. Every detail is horrific. I’ve spent the last 24 hours listening to the story. I’ve had moments of silence and moments of sound advice to give. I’ve been many things over a short span of time: mama, therapist, coach, friend and hopefully, most importantly, I’ve reflected Jesus. Is it enough? Should I have said or done something differently? Will the course of this child’s life change for the better? I am processing right now and asking the hard questions and it sucks.

Foster care is hard on a level that I can’t quite put into words. I asked my husband through manic tears “what is the win here?” He couldn’t answer. We are both desperately searching for answers. When I need clarity, I often find it in “water moments.” I don’t know what it is about water but I tend to hear God when I’m in the shower or washing dishes. I’m exhausted so I chose a bubble bath and guess what?! He’s speaking. I said “God, what is the win in all of this? Why did You call me to something so hard to do?” Completely unthreatened and not a bit surprised by my question He responded “Ministry is hard…look at the pastors…look at the youth pastors.” I thought of my own Pastor. He gives the altar call every Sunday. He gets to see the response. He gets to pray with the people. That’s incredible and probably like a shot of vitamin B for his heart! However, I’m on staff, so I’ve seen what happens when the congregants leave. I’ve seen him battle past snarky, mean-hearted comments and hate-mail. I’ve seen him pray continually for people that have not yet come to know Jesus. He doesn’t throw in the towel. He’s back at it every week. He perseveres through pain. That’s the win.

I looked up the definition of perseverance. It means: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Wow!!…despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Foster care is HARD. I haven’t seen a lot of success by any standard. I stand in the gap alongside my family and with weary hands and sometimes exhausted hearts lift up the broken, past the barrier and onto the next road. We are simply in the middle. That’s all. It hurts…it hurts like the dickens. I weep every time one of these kids leave the sanctuary of my home. I wonder every time if it was the right thing. Every time, I think to myself it will be the last time because I can’t do it. But He’s reminded me to persevere. The win is not “fixing” every broken child. I can’t possibly do that. The win is staying with what God’s called me to even if it requires my brokenness, questions and tears. He can make all things new…even my broken heart. He can work miracles in ways I can’t see and may never know about on this side of eternity. In the perseverance, He’s asked me to trust Him.

That child walked out of my home this evening and most likely, I will never see that sweet face again. It’s a deep pain that isn’t easily tamed. But I won’t give up and I am choosing to trust His plan. I gave her a journal before she left and inside the cover I wrote “You are never alone. God is with you and He has a plan for your life.” I believe what I wrote. Even if I don’t know what it is or how it will turn out…God has a plan.

So, I’m still a foster parent until God says otherwise. I’m going to persevere and trust. I may have to write it on sticky notes all through my house but that’s my plan!

Ladies, if you’re in a difficult season, hang in there! Persevere! God has a plan! Trust Him even when you can’t see through your own tears…trust Him.

Hey girls! Remember you are uniquely made on purpose, for a purpose and for such a time as this. Until next week…